A FEW YEARS ago I discovered that my husband of 20 years had been having an affair and had in fact been unfaithful our entire married life. I decided that rather than leave him (it’s a long story for another time), I’d catch up.
For the last ten years I’ve continued to be a wife, but I’ve also been a lover multiple times. Here is what I’ve learnt, and it’s mostly that if you want your marriage/relationship to last you need to treat your partner like a lover.
- Don’t fart in bed: Seriously how can you expect any person to go down between the sheets when you’ve just farted. Lovers don’t fart and rarely defecate in front of their lovers, that’s still best kept private.
- Brush your teeth: Morning breath is just plain evil. Mints are amazing for bad breath and oral sex after a strong mint is sensational. Don’t belch either if you expect a passionate kiss. Ditto eating garlic.
- Shave: Women in particular are delicate and super sensitive and stubble will very quickly end her desire for oral sex. If you’re shaving your pubic hair keep it freshly shaved, your partner’s tongue will thank you.
- Wash your ass.Personally, if there is the faintest smell between their legs, I’m not going there. You don’t need to use douches,, just regular soap and water. But PLEASE don’t forget to wash your ass, too. It may not be for everyone, but your anus is an enormously erogenous zone and even a simple massage can be fabulous.
- Lubricate. Lovers always have massage oil or a good lubricant to hand. A two-handed massage with plenty of moisture is a pleasure for everyone. Saliva obviously works in an emergency, but a lover would always be prepared.
- Manicure. Wash, cut and file your nails: Having someone put dirty, sharp nails inside you is nasty. You run the risk of getting cut and if someone has dirty nails, they’re likely to be dirty in other ways, and not in a good way.
- Sexy chat.You are always at your best for your lover. Leave work and stories about the kids outside of the bedroom: you want a lover who makes you happy and smile, so leave the stresses of your everyday life outside the bedroom door and talk about something else.
- Dress well: Sorry, but there is nothing attractive about your old saggy grey underwear, or stained sweatpants. Make an effort to buy nice sleepwear or underwear. Guys, don’t buy white underwear unless they’re super clean, it’s hard to un-see those stains. Same goes for everyday clothes, they don’t have to be expensive, but they have to be clean and looked after, like you’ve made an effort.
- Groom:We all get hairy as we get older, but lovers don’t have hair coming out of their nose and ears or crazy eyebrows. A beard is not my favourite but it has to be clean, any hint of food and the answer is no. Try trimming your pubic hair, some men shave it off but where do you stop if you’re naturally hairy, just tidy it up or get your partner to. I had my pubic hair lasered and frankly love it as my lovers can really see what they’re playing with.
- Show some enthusiasm: A lover will always give an amazing performance during sex. Usually, because they are having a great time but honestly sometimes you need your partner to focus and groaning, crying out and squirming with pleasure will get the result you want faster and you’ll have more fun. Having an orgasm is great but its not always possible and sometimes not making that your goal can leave you buzzing all day.
- Look good naked. A partner who looks after their weight and health is an enormous turn on. Frankly, the main reason I’ve kept myself looking good for years now is I want to look good naked (a goal my personal trainer finds amusing). My current lover has the most beautiful body and the softest skin I’ve ever felt. I adore caressing every inch of skin and muscle, the effort he puts into looking good is an enormous turn on.
- Get them hot.Lovers may not meet for days. Start early to set up sex, sending dirty text messages or pictures in anticipation, not wearing underwear while you brush past them on the way out the door will get them all worked up so the sex will be even sweeter.
- Quickies. As a lover you sometimes don’t have much time. Sometimes a quickie, knickers pushed aside against the kitchen table is just what you need.
Being a lover is not easy, lying and jealousy can take their toll so, before embarking on any of the above, reassure your partner that you’re not cheating, as changes like these are usually classic red flags that you’re acutely playing away rather than trying to stay in your relationship.